The oft-misquoted saying that music hath charms to soothe the savage beast works both ways. Music also hath ways to bring out the savage beast in otherwise calm creatures, like when I’m sitting peacefully in the privacy of my own car and I hear cruising stereos approaching from three blocks away.

When they pull alongside me, I always expect their sonic boom-boom-boom to activate my air bags. At the very least the deafening din makes my paint chip. Although certainly not their first choice when it comes to composers, Beethoven would be proud of these young drivers because I’m sure they have no trouble reading my lips when I look their way.

No one loves music more than I do. So, speaking as a music lover, I’m taking a stand. I’m pro-choice: I want to choose when, where and what I listen to. Everywhere I go, I’m surrounded - make that assaulted - by music I didn’t ask for.

Browsing in mall stores catering to the younger generation is an ear-shattering experience. The music is so loud, hangers dance and the floor shakes. These shops are not my normal habitat. There are times, though, such as when I’m accompanying a teenage granddaughter, that I have to go in. I know I look strange wearing earmuffs, but you do what you have to do to protect against decibel deafness.

I’ve been in restaurants with friends where the background music is blaring so loud you need a bullhorn to carry on a conversation. I’ve asked waitresses, to no avail, to either turn the music down or send somebody over who can teach us sign language.

Spitting used to be the biggest sidewalk public nuisance. Now jam boxes are, as kids stroll the streets lugging portable blasters bigger than my grandma’s trunk.

Perhaps my biggest peeve on this music-not-by-request list concerns the phone - having to listen to music while on hold. If - and this is a big if - after listening to a computerized roll call of button numbers longer than a Chinese menu, you somehow manage to punch your way through to a human voice, what happens? You’re put on hold.

And then what happens? You listen to music interrupted every 30 seconds by another computerized voice saying over and over, "All our operators are busy helping other customers. Your call is important to us, so please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly."

Don’t be fooled by this computerized sweet talk. Sometimes they put you on hold and simply forget about you. If you’ve listened to the entire sound track of "Sound of Music" and nobody has gotten back to you by the time Julie Andrews breaks into "the hills are alive" for the second time, you can safely assume you’re in on-hold limbo. Don’t waste your breath, and feel foolish besides, by saying every once in a while, "Hello … hello … is anybody there?" They are - they’ve just forgotten you are.

Personally, I don’t want to listen to the top 40 country songs while I’m waiting to find out how my bill got screwed up. I don’t want to be lulled by "Don’t the Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time" while the receptionist checks to see when I can bring my sick cat in. But we’re forced to because the person we’re waiting for might pop on the line at any moment.

I called a funeral home once to check on a service time. "Diggem Deeper and Dependable Mortuary," a soothing voice answered. I already had my mouth open to speak when the voice said, "Please hold." I was then treated to a carillon chorus of "Nearer My God to Thee" and two verses of "The Old Rugged Cross." I hung up. If I want to be depressed, I’ll call my sister-in-law.

A travel agency put me on hold while they checked airline schedules for me. They lost my business as soon as I heard the first whistling four bars of "The High and the Mighty."

If I’m calling to complain about something, must I listen to comedy routines, which some businesses provide for on-hold callers? Maybe they figure you’ll be in a good mood after hearing Jerry Seinfeld or Jay Leno for 20 minutes. Invariably, my call goes through just before the punch line, and I wind up madder than I was when I placed the call.

If businesses think they must entertain us while we’re stuck on hold with the phone clamped to our ear, they had better be prepared for the consequences.

When the savage beast hath listened to all the music he can stand, he just might rise up, calmly walk away and never cometh back.

How does that sound?